This is just a place where I can vent, blog, idk. I'm gonna write shit, you can read it if you like.
I feel like Im going to be stuck on my deathbed thinking to myself when does life begin. I know Im meant to get a job and make a living but I dont know what job I would want to work... not that I dont want to work a job; I do really. But what do I want to work in? what do I want to do? I have no idea. Even if I did it probably wouldnt pay the bills considering housing prices and cost of living in general. Im just breezing through life while others pass me by waving to them as they go along and make a career, get a job, find their love. It all feels so nothing like. Like nothing I will do will satisfy this feeling. I wont wake up one day and go " Ive only gone and done it " Ill wake up one day like the day before that and the day after the next. Ill do this until I wont and thats the legacy of myself. No one will know why I am the way I am because I dont know why Im the way I am. Im just doing things truly reasonless.
Ive been really tired lately, and I have no idea why. For most of my life Ive had a very irregular sleep schedule due to insomnia; I normally have a very hard time getting to sleep, and sometimes staying asleep. But recently Ive been taking sleeping pills called sleep aid: (Doxylamine Succinate, 25mg). Ive been on these for the past few months on and off with some frequency, because theyre actually helping me sleep. I rarely wake up feeling drowsy because of it, and I havent slept better in years. Its only been the last few days that Ive felt more tired. Im pretty sure its because Im in a depressive episode right now, which comes and goes very often for me. Hopefully Ill feel normal again soon. Other than that, a package arrived today. I recently ordered the full series of Hannibal (the TV series) and Im planning on watching it with some friends maybe. I dont know. My most controversial movie opinion is that Mads Mikaelson was a better Hannibal. Dont get me wrong, I still love Anthony Hopkins version, but Mads felt more like Hannibal to me.
So I found out why youre not supposed to use Doxylamine Succinate for prolonged use. If you do, you have a higher risk of forming dementia. So I will promptly refrain from use here on out due to the fact that dementia is probably one of my biggest fears. Imagine not just being trapped in a body with no control, but youre trapped in your mind instead. It must be lonely, and Im already incredibly lonely as it is. So anyway, maybe Ill stop feeling so tired all the time now. To be fair this was a new development starting a few days ago... no more than a week at most. I know I should see a doctor about my sleep, but theyre just going to tell me what I already know and waste my time. Instead Ill just live as I always have. Tired all the time, and unable to sleep. My all nighters probably havent helped prevent the likelihood of dementia in my later years.
Is anyone else filled with melancholy around this time of year? idk, life feels so... meh right now. On the bright side, I think my sleep schedule is fixed for now. No doubt Ill ruin it in a matter of weeks, but Im going to enjoy it for now. Im also really craving sushi.
I turn 20 in a month and Im having a crisis about it ngl. At least Ill be pass the phase where people still treat you like a kid with the responsibility of an adult. JK thats gonna stay the same until Im like 30 probably.
You ever feel motivated to do something but don't know what to do or have anything to do? Like, I want to make something but have zero ideas. I kinda feel like drawing, but I don't have any pencils and Im not good with digital art. I might read. Right now Im in the middle of a book called junky.
I exist only to live. I live, because Im forced to. Thats the way I describe life. Life: a circumstance forced upon you. You only live life for the experience of it. It is not good or bad, it simply is. It is without purpose and meaning. I dont necessarily dislike life, but I do dislike that it seems so foreboding and untamable. I cant simply do what I want, because there are rules and laws. Not that theres a lot I want to do. And thats another thig... what do I want to do? What will drive me? What does drive me? I dont, and probably will never know for as long as I live. And thats ok I guess. I need it to be ok because I dont have a choice in the matter do I. I look at people on the outside of society, and Ive been told all my life not to go there. The junkys, the homeless, the people with nothing. And while I would like to make it clear that I dont want that either; they dont have nothing. They have life, and they live it. And it is hard. But at the end of the day, they have challenges much like I do, and so do the people with more. Granted the people with more have financial security, but their challenges matter as much to them as mine does to me. Why do I say all this? To put life in perspective. We are all small and none of this matters, and thats not a bad thing by default. Its simply whatever you make it. Im very bad a making things however... Well making things that last, or that Im happy with at least.
I don't think it would be too far of a stretch for me to say we've lost something as a people, as a society. There is no individualism or community in this corporatocracy. We are governed by ambition, and material conditions rather than hopes and dreams. Was there ever a time when we didn't have this looming depressive state? I don't know. But I know this isn't how people are supposed to live. Wealth inequality, war, genocide, hate... We are controlled beyond our means and most of us are unaware of the fact. I hate this feeling, I hate looking around, and everywhere I go, everywhere I see is the same. This feeling needs to stop before it's too late. We need something beyond ourselves more to care about. This is unsustainable.
Not to sound popups; god knows I have enough self hate for you and I, but feel like I over intellectualize my own suffering. Instead of doing something, I normally resort to thinking about what can make me happy again, realize I still don't have an answer, then ruminate on my own self worth, and how I relate to the world and the people around me. This leads me on a downward spiral and then I come out of the situation a little worse off, but with the knowledge of what this feeling and certain thoughts lead to. I know this sounds vague, but I don't know how else to describe it. I almost always romanticize my own pain instead of fixing it; which I'm sure if you've been depressed for a long period of time, you may know. You start to become attached to this sad and empty feeling, because it may feel like you don't know anything but that. You stop yourself from doing fun things for fear it may be over and you'll be worse off afterwards. Still, at least it's the devil you know at the end of the day. And even better yet, it's not like I haven't done anything about it, I've talked to people, seen a therapist, and still I remain the same. So I don't have to feel guilty about it. I still do of course, but I don't have too.